May 5: Graham's 1st Anniversary

My dear little Graham would have been 1 today.  His roses have been blooming for weeks now...filling our house with their sweet scents and bright colors.  I miss him.

I love that these roses remind me of him.  Thank you.

Graham: His birth story and passing

Graham: he is 7 earth months old, what that means in heaven, I have no clue...probably nothing.  I want to write about his birth online.  I want to write it so everyone who traveled this journey with us, who may be reading after hearing their own terrible news, can learn from his short life with us.  I want to write this because his story wants/needs to get out of me.  I couldn't tell his birth without his passing as well.  So if you'd prefer not to read it, I've written a warning at that part.

I burst a tiny leak May 3rd...I knew the moment I woke up after 1 night in our rental.  Graham was getting ready to come.  Cuss.  I wasn't.  I wasn't.  I wasn't mentally ready at all.  We check into the hospital to a skeptical, but kind hospitalist who wasn't sure if I actually had popped.  I did.  We told her about his condition.  We did another ultrasound to check if you were still Anencephalic...yes.  Head down?  Yes.  Our doctor was on vacation that week.  Of course.  But another doc from the clinic was assigned to us, and she was everything I could have asked for and more.  Strong, confident, kind, caring, knowledgeable, experienced - Dr. Sorenson you are amazing!  So were the nurses; Polly, Amber, Saisha; I am so thankful for the staff.  So we waited for labor to start,  knowing that it may not because a missing brain often means missing chemicals to tell the womb to start contracting.  Called Brad's parents who were headed for vacation in Yosemite to head back to meet Graham.  Called family across the states to let them know what was happening.

24 hrs later, after 10 hrs of a small pitocin drip, nothing was happening, but Graham wasn't showing signs of stress either.  We stayed a restless, but pitocin free, night in the hospital.  The next morning we started the drip again.  I checked every so often for a heartbeat to see how you were doing...honestly I was terrified each time.  Did I really want to know the answer?  But you were still fighting.  Everyone guessed you would be pretty tiny...so we had some of James' premie stuff, and some premie outfits of your own, as well as one long shot newborn size.  I wanted to be as natural as possible out of sheer fear of side-effects, and because I had done it before.  But day two of pitocin, with a strong drip, ridiculous contractions, the tub no longer helping, mental/emotion pain merging with physical pain.  I couldn't focus through both kinds of breaking.  At Brad's gentle prodding that it would be okay, I got an epidural.  It was around 9:30 pm May 4th.  I think my sweet nurse was relieved as well, as I saw her visibly relax.  OH MY LANTA!  It was the best choice I could have ever made.  It was amazing!  I was so broken at that point I couldn't even sit on the bed or hold still for the gal to stab me with the needle (hello active labor) that they gave me a little numbing through the IV just to sit and get what needed to be done.  After all the epidural shakes faded, we checked Graham again to see how he was coping, and since he was fine, I took a nap, and let me body do its thing.

2 hrs later, I was awake, a movie-worthy gush happened and it was time to meet our son.  We check with our Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photographer, and she was almost at the hospital.  So we waited about 30 minutes letting my contractions get him lower and ready.  She arrived.  Dr. Sorenson showed up, I pushed twice and he arrived.  Breathing but deep purple.  12:06am May 5th.  They immediately gave him to me.  I had to push for the nurse to do more suctioning of his mouth to allow him to breathe better.  Fairly annoyed there.  I could tell she wanted to just let Graham fade then.  His heartbeat was slow, lack of oxygen wasn't helping.  So Dr. Sorenson seeing I wanted to try and give him a better chance, suctioned and O2 bagged him.  He revived, and even cracked one eye for a few seconds.  His skin was so soft, and his body so perfect and pudgy.  The hugest hands and feet you ever did see.  Severely anencephalic, with a quarter size opening at the top with two little kidney beans of neural tissue sticking out.  But the rest of his head was covered in skin, with some soft hair at the nape...I didn't take a really good look because I wanted to focus on what was whole.  He was born on a Tuesday!  My favorite day!

His was greeted by family from both sides, even a surprise flight in from Texas!  (since things were taking so long)  Everyone got to hold him, except for James...which I didn't realize at the time, but he did get to snuggle up next to him.  Unsure of his timeline, we had a full room for over an hour.  The photographer quietly did her thing, and left after 30 mins or so.  So thankful for the pics she got of everyone.  We were totally exhausted at this point.  It was pretty late since he was born just after midnight.  We all marvled over his perfect little self, and soft soft skin.  He was so big 5lbs 5ozs compared to his brother James.  Dad got to listen to his heart beat.  We let everybody go home, and we spent time holding him.

----- Graham's passing: Read at your own risk -----

His passing was hard.  Very hard.  He started to cry and then have a seizure and would stop breathing for a few minutes...that went on for 2 hours.  We took turns holding him and once I fell asleep for a bit.  When I awoke, Brad went to lay down for a minute, and Graham passed away in my arms...For a while, at my stroking of his chest, he would revive...but I wondered was it good to keep him going?  So I lay my hand on his chest, memorizing his soft skin, and tiny features.  He slowly just stopped breathing.  Brad came back to my bed, we buzzed the nursed, she confirmed, and the pediatrician had to be called.  She double confirmed, and called the time of passing.  5:13am May 5th.

----- Passing Over -----

Any regrets?

I do have a few things that I wish I had done differently, but I did my best in the moment, so I rest well with that.  Here are my four wishes:  I wish James had held him.  I wish I had taken a better photograph of him without being wrapped up in a big blanket.  I wish I had bathed him after he passed.  I wish we had asked family to stay until the end.  But time for those things have passed, and I hope those wishes never have to be put to use again.

Any silver linings?

John took a video of him (I didn't think of that), and you can hear his little murmurs.  Jake flew in from Texas to be at his birth.  Sue turned Graham to face the camera (one of the photographer's only pics of his face in detail).  Lastly, and I guess obviously, Graham was born alive (hoped but not necessarily expected).

Grieving: 11 weeks in

Photos courtesy of Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photographer Rachel Nygren unless noted otherwise

It has been 11 weeks.
Just 11 weeks since we lost little Graham to heaven.
11 weeks since I got to cuddle his chubby little self.
11 weeks since his heart was beating inside of my own body.
11 weeks since we started missing Graham.

Sort of like before he was born, I'm finding myself in a floating place.  There is no better way to describe it.  For a while I was simply existing, waking multiple times a night to horrific nightmares of baby shaped bullets, watching him die again and again, or losing James and Brad in some freak accident.  I stumbled around in pitch black grief, knowing Brad was somewhere in the darkness too, both of us struggling to keep up with James and life that kept moving further and further out of grasp. And now we're out of the dark and in a...fog?  Sometimes everything is okay, other times I can pretend, and sometimes nothing is okay.

photo taken by me

I've had to take James to the doctor recently, and she asked if he has any siblings.  I wasn't sure how to answer the question.  Yes, he does...or he did.  And if I say Graham, should I include our miscarriage too?  Do I mention neither because they're not living?  But if I say yes she'll want to know more, and will I start crying?  Do I really want to have this conversation today?  And why am I all sweaty?  How long have I been silently staring at her?  In the end I said that yes he did have a brother who passed shortly after birth this last May.  She was shocked into silence for a few moments.  Me too, lady,  me too.

photo taken by Brad

I've read all about the stages of grief AND through the book of Lamentations AND heard others' stories AND been to every infant loss website because that is what I do.  I research the crap out of something from every possible angle and figure it out.  Grief doesn't really work that way.  There isn't a best way or a right way, and it can't be understood.  Its just getting though it.  I read something interesting in all of my searching, and it seems to really apply.  People understand grief to the extent they have experienced it.  Its pretty true.  And then I think about that Beatles song that kept running through my head while in labor...I hate this song.  But it somehow comforts me too.

Little Clark II: 37 weeks

Dear Graham,

Your birthday has come and gone.  37 weeks to the day, May 5.  Full term.  You did such a great job baby.  Your birth was the most peaceful thing I could have imagined, and much better than I thought…probably thanks to the tub and then later the epidural.  You came so quickly once things got going; just 4 pushes, 2 minutes and you were here.  Just the opposite of your wind up; 40+ hrs.  Sticking out your tongue at the doctor, making little moans, sporting the best smell and softest skin, you joined us like any other baby.  You had your Daddy’s cheeks and nose, but my mouth.  You had long dark eyelashes and a little bit of hair in the back that I’m betting was going to be blonde.  Right at the top you had an opening, all exposed to the world, protected by the tiniest membrane.  I was worried about the knit fibers from the hat getting in and hurting you.  Grandparents and uncles and auntie got to love on you.  You had some brother time…where James pointed at you and said bebe; touched your nose, then his, then mine, then Dad’s.  He knew you were part of us, and we all loved you since we first discovered your presence.  Your precious purple feet were huge, and you had long fingers too.  I loved squishing your chubby little arms and tummy.  You were such a fighter for those five hours…peeking out an eye just once, softly cooing and sticking out your little tongue.  I guess five is your number.  Born 5/5/2015, 5lbs 5oz, with us just 5 hrs.  How interesting.  I would have given you a larger number…like a zillion or something that way you’d outlive me.  But I didn’t get to decide.  You’ve given me a different kind of Mother’s Day this year.  I got pictures of you and James together and somehow that made my empty arms ever so slightly bearable.  You gave me a full term pregnancy and left me with 3 little stretch mark reminders of your presence.  I love them.  You’ve made me a mother of three even if I’m only “Mama” to one.  For those things I am thankful.  I’m glad that breathing isn’t a struggle for you anymore.  I miss you baby.  I miss you so much that every inch of me aches.  I wish you were here being part of our family now rather than in heaven, which I know is extremely selfish, but I don’t really care.  I love you little guy, and cannot wait to see you again.  

Loves forever,

Mama

For those of you who’ve been reading my journey with Graham…this will be the last post.  Maybe at some point I’ll share about the whole birth and life we shared, but not right now.  Thank you for reading and prayers and light and love and all the encouragement that has been sent to us.  Words really cannot express how much we have appreciated and needed your love.  It was never about that…fishing for those things.  It was about keeping his life sacred; a public honoring of him.  And with his burial Saturday, I think this would be a good time for wrapping up.  Take care and thank you for sharing in this with us.

Little Clark II: 36 weeks

Hello Graham,

We spent this past week packing, sorting, tossing and giving away, surrounded by boxes.  You see we are moving on Saturday (lovely timing), and getting ready to be in a fresh place with two bedrooms AND a dishwasher.  Our weekly appointments are the same basic thing 15 minute thing.  The doctor says you are quite big, and each week she is surprised to hear of your movement and listen to you steady heartbeat.  I think that because I haven't been on progesterone with a history of pre-term labor, they are shocked to find you, my boy, doing so well this late in the game.  You are still moving around quite a bit...and with the daily contractions/Braxton Hicks, I can see that your time inside is coming to an end.  Your favorite time to wiggle around is whenever I rub my hands around my belly.  I love trying to figure out what is your tush, feet, etc.  They suppose you are close to 17/18 inches long and somewhere around 5 or 6 lbs.  You extend well into my ribs, causing a great deal of heartburn if ever I eat or drink anything.  I must admit that I am a bit nervous for labor because I imagine it will be quite different than with your brother.  Congratulations because you now hold the record for longest pregnancy and have since April 20th!  What a professional.  So we are both in new territory now.  I love you baby, we went for a short jaunt to Iron Creek Falls in Randle this past week with some of our Alaska family.  It was gorgeous, but I didn't quite make it the whole way.  I'm sure it was even prettier when viewed from just below.  So we snapped a quite photo in the rain to document.  I've been finding myself have a harder and harder time saying and hearing the word dead...and it is everywhere!  My phone is dead...the car battery is dead...the computer died...etc.  I noticed I was getting creative when telling your Dad that my phone didn't have a charge, and I wondered why.  Avoiding the word, I suppose.  It makes it even sadder because all of those things simply need time before they are jump started back to new...not actually dead, just depleted...not actually gone, just temporarily.  And I know that your state won't be...gone will mean gone forever on this earth.  But you're not yet, and we're thankful.  Every kick reminds me that we get to enjoy you a moment longer.  I love you little Graham, and I hope if you know/sense anything that you can feel loved.

Mama

Little Clark II: 34 weeks

Hello Graham!

This week was very good, maybe even great!  We ate yummy food, enjoyed camping, soaked in time as our little family of four with your Uncle John.  And I got to see you again live from the ultrasound machine!  This time your Nana was there too because Dad had to work.  But baby, not only are you huge, at least 5 lbs the doc said, but you've also flipped!  You are head down, which makes me feel a bit more relaxed.  We were going to deliver breach, but you decided for the ?easier? option.  I'm not sure that will be easier for your little head though, which leaves me torn.  But we got to see your little fist, crunched up knees and feet, and perfectly formed and beating heart.  You keep surprising the doctor I think because she had said to be ready for birth at 28 weeks, but each visit she keeps pushing it back.  You are settled in quite nicely, and aside from the anencephaly everything looks perfect.  Mentally I've been considering this week your due date, simply because that is when your brother came, but I don't mind you waiting.  We're looking at a rental this next week, and hope to get in by May 1...so that the new tenants can move into our current/hopefully old place.  You're kicking as I write this which makes me think...hmm...it is getting close to lunch time.  How about some apple carrot salad?  That sounds delish to me.  Love you so much baby.  Pray for you even more, my biggest prayer is that you survive birth.  I know that we will have to be content with whatever happens, but I would love to hold you in my arms before your little soul moves on.

So many kisses,
Mama

Little Clark II: 33 weeks

Dear Graham,

Your brother is at Nana's.  I am resting on the couch writing.  And in the garage I hear the kachunk, kachunk, kachunk of the nail gun as your Daddy builds a casket.  This is not a good day...I should have stayed at Nana's with your brother, but a nap sounded too good to pass up.  I sincerely hope that we don't have to use what your Dad is building.  I hope we can burn it the month after you are born because you're so healthy the thought of keeping it would be completely ridiculous.  Yet that hoping doesn't change the fact that he wanted to be the one to build a place for your body to rest forever.  And thus he is.  A friend and I were talking this week about how everyone's days are numbered, and how from the beginning God knew the exact days of our lives.  It is interesting to think about so I've been mulling it over these past few days.  You've been with us for 33 weeks as of Tuesday; that is 231 days.  Your brother James is just 580 days. Your other sibling was given 56 days, such a small number.  We lost him on New Year's Eve, and the next year cousin Eliana was born that same day.  Bittersweet? Yes.  Your Dad has had 11,078 days, and I am at 10,400 while Great-Grandpa has had 31,451 days today!  Its interesting to think that some are given 56 while others have yet to reach their fulfillment at 31,451 days.  Why isn't a question I feel compelled to ask.  But take heart little one, you are worth more than the sum of your days...infinitely more.  231, 365 or 33,580 your life is valued just the same, but I will admit that it would be easier to know you with more days tucked under your belt.  Rest well little Graham, my growing baby boy.  You've made it to 4 lbs and 17 inches - ish.
Happy 33 weeks buddy.  Don't come this weekend while we're camping ok?!

Love you Graham,
Mama & Daddy

Little Clark II: 32 weeks

Hello baby,

Happy 32 weeks old!  You are rolling a great deal more lately.  I love every moment of it.  Lately you've been scooting your head along my right side, my ribs, my hip.  You've been moving from breach to transverse but still not head down.  We'll see what happens.  If ever you get still and I start to wonder if you are still here, my warm hand is all thats needed on my skin to get you moving a bit.  I cannot believe it has been 12 weeks since we first learned of your anencephaly.  Such a long time.  Some days it feels like mere seconds have passed, and others feel like we've been in this state for years.  Every morning I wake up and rub my hands across my belly to get a feel for where you are.  Every morning I whisper, "are you still here?", and  sometimes you'll kick right away and reassure me...other times it takes a while for a response.  But every morning you've answered my question the same way, "Yes, I am!".  Happy 32 weeks baby.  We love you immensely.

Belly rubs,
Mama and Fadda

Little Clark II: 31 weeks

Happy 31.5 weeks Graham!

You have been moving a lot more this week.  Getting bigger all the time.  Around 15.5 inches and over 3 lbs.  Good work buddy.  We love you, and are so glad you decided to stay around another week.  We made plans for a family camping trip after Easter, staying hopeful.  :)  It would be our first time "cabin camping" or glamping, and should be fun.  This week was better than last.  I finished a large commission art piece, and have two other large projects in the wings.  Both are in a state of partial completion.  Story of my life.  Your brother has taken to a new word, baby or rather bebe, and likes to pat my belly.  You are so good at kicking when he puts his little hands up there.  Well my little love, have a good sleep.  We, and many, many others are praying for you daily, hourly.

Monster kisses,
Mama + Daddy + James

Little Clark II: 30 weeks

Do you see the little hand? Look at those tiny bones.

Hello baby,

This week has been horrible...we chose a cemetery.  Your daddy and I are exhausted.  Last night we stayed up (too late) talking about how life will never be the same once you are born...about how there is no going back, even if we are blessed with another baby down the road, that child will never be you.  And they you started kicking again, to remind us that you are still here and aren't gone yet.  Yet.  It is the yet that is killing me...the trying to squeezing joy out of the daily because who knows if it will be your last.  Brad said it best, your labor will be the winding of the clock and we never know when the time will be out.  The last doctor's visit went ok.  She noticed that I was starting to measure a bit larger, probably a build up of fluid...polyhydramnios (common with babies like you)...the beginning of the end.  But I'm not in labor today.  Nor was I yesterday, or the day before that.  We have had 30 weeks, 210+ days, of enjoying you.  30 weeks of being a little family of four.  30 weeks of dreaming of you, saying your name, feeling you roll in my belly.  They say you are probably around 15 inches long and 3 lbs...give or take a bit.  Hard to imagine you were just a speck of cells in September.  Well my boy, what do you say, are you up for another week?  Another week of loves, chocolate milk and tomato soup?  I'm in.

Loving you always,
Mama & Daddy

Little Clark II: 29 weeks

Hello little Graham,

Where to start?  We got to see you in another ultrasound Feb. 26, and you were perfect.  Sucking on your little fingers, yawning, rubbing your little feet together, hiding your face behind your hands, we got to experience you in your happy spot.  And we also got a good look at your little head.  Sadly my boy, things are exactly where they were 9 weeks ago.  Behind your face and brain stem there is nothing.  no skull.  no brain tissue.  How you are even functioning with just a brain stem I have no idea, but am thankful that you have made it this far!  When of we got to that part of the scan I just cried and cried, and so did the ultrasound tech.  But you are still so lovely.  I will admit I am a bit worried about whether or not you will have skin or just a membrane over your opening.  I don't want to be afraid of you, yet I suppose just getting to hold you after birth will be enough to banish any fears.  The doc said that you are doing so well that she guesses we are still in the safe zone as far as being ready for birth until 35 weeks or so.  You are still sitting breach, which I could have told the doc without an ultrasound...due to your strategic kicks to the south.  Graham, you are sitting so low on mommy that I can rest my belly on my lap when I sit down!  But you are supposedly around 2.5 lbs now and around 14ish inches.  Growing growing growing.

We, your Dad and I, talked about what it would be like if you were born just fine, and wouldn't we be surprised to bring you home.  Of course this is what I want, but if I think about it God would really be the better parent; heaven the better playground.  We may be a bit crammed 4 in one bedroom, but we are looking to remedy that soon.  If/when you are taken up you'll never get to know any of the sadness that our world is currently muddled in.  Wars, missing airplanes, country take overs, skinned knees, girlfriend hearbreaks,..  I can't let myself go there buddy.  We all have a set time.  You get a sprint in a gorgeous time of year.  SPRING.  There are daffodils, and if you wait tulips or irises.  The blueberry bushes are starting to swell with buds, and the cherry blossoms are making pink trees.  I like to think you can somehow get the smell of freshly mown lawns (it has been so nice lately), and newly repotted plants.  Love you baby.

Kisses and prayers,
Mama and Daddy

Little Clark II: 27 weeks

Hello Graham,

You've made it through the 2nd trimester!!!  Good job baby.  You've really been growing because your stretches make me have to stretch out as well.  You've decided to start having dance parties at 1 am the past few nights, but I love it and you.  The only reason I know is because I am up for the restroom...often.  We have another ultrasound this Friday...to see how you are growing, etc.  Your Dad is taking a half-day off of work so that he can be there which will be really good.  A tiny piece of my heart is hoping with everything that you are healed with a beautiful full brain and skull.  A tiny piece is all I can manage, buddy.  It takes every so slightly less strength to believe God has already called you for a sprint rather than a marathon.  I had a thought this week, if I just stayed pregnant then you would be safe forever.  Of course that isn't how things work, but that didn't stop me from dreaming it.  :)  Graham, the other day I was driving home and the simple thought of: "I'm driving my two boys home" came to me, and it felt indescribably good...a minute of complete peace, contentment and joy.  This week has been peppered with those moments.  I'm so glad.  I love you little fella, and cannot wait to see your little face and kiss your feet, and hands, and tummy, and cheeks, and basically every inch of you.

Happy rolling baby,
Mama + Daddy + James

Little Clark II: 26 weeks

Also I realize these are not exactly the best pictures ever.  

Hello Graham,

This week was...eventful.  The weather has been absolutely gorgeous here so we've been outside a  great deal.  Friday your Dad surprised me with a night away to Oregon City, just the two of us.  It was so relaxing, and with no big brother crawling all over you, I was able to feel so much of you moving around!  You are 14 inches long, and I can tell because you decided to crawl up into my right rib cage the other day.  Another appointment come and gone...strong heartbeat 140s, and constantly kicking the doppler then hiding.  I washed two little outfits for you and tucked them into our go bag which is sitting on top my our dresser.  Your first McCurry cousin has arrived, Isabel Treintje.  And you went on your first "hike".  Thankfully it was nothing like the Hike of Death I went on when pregnant with your brother.  Life keeps moving on.  It feels like forever ago we found out about anencephaly...reality says its only been six weeks.  six weeks tomorrow.  I looked into funeral homes this week baby, and that was the worst thing ever.  But I looked into children's hospice nurses as well.  We get another ultrasound (hopefully) on the 27th.  I would love to see whatever profile you have since they didn't give us any.  I found out a girl I know is having a baby just like you, and all I could think was; please, God no.  It hit your Dad and I pretty hard this last week as to what life is going to be like, pending a miracle.  But we are enjoying you, and I am especially your kicks.  Take care sweet one.  Get rest tonight and wake ready to kick some more tomorrow.

We love you son,
Mama & Fadda


In other news...today was horrible because: 

I cried when thinking of the comments insinuating that Graham’s condition is my fault.

James bit me twice, and I wish I had a better bruise to prove it.

James jumped on my belly making it ache and me worry about Graham coming early.

I spent time thinking about coming home from the hospital with no Graham and crying.

I cried myself to sleep, and when I awoke my hair was wet from either drool or tears or both.

We had no milk in the house.

But there were these saving graces,

I ate a delicious bagel with cream cheese.

There were two random texts from friends/family telling me that they cared about me & our fam.

Mom watched James for a bit so I could cry myself to sleep take a nap.

Brad hugs. 

James shared his blankey and lots of snuggles today.

The sun was shining, and the windows were all open.

There are clean sheets on my bed.

God is still here.

Little Clark II: 23 + 24 weeks

23 weeks - 1/27/2015

Hello little Graham,

We found out the name of your soon to arrive McCurry cousin who was charted to arrive this last Sunday...still a no show!  But she will probably be here soon, which we are excited about.  And you made it through another week for which we are SO thankful the Lord is happy to let you stay a while longer.  They say you can tell when I'm moving around this week, so hopefully you've been enjoying our walks through the field and around the park.  We've been receiving some delicious meals lately.  Our friends and family want to make sure that we are taken care of, and we are so thankful!  The amount of support from our friends family and community is continually astounding me.  There have been many things to be thankful for as of late.  This week your Dad was able to feel you moving!!!  I braved the internet again this week to read some stories from other little ones like you...what parents thought went well and what they wished they had done differently.  Oh son, it is going to be difficult to let you go, and I'm still praying for some miracle.  Even though I know that God can heal you, I'm afraid to hope.  I know that hope is a major part of my faith...but I just don't have the strength for it.  I am already using strength not my own just to love you and be a person each day.  Several people have asked if we are feeling abandoned or angry at God because of what is happening.  I don't think so, I think that we live in a place full of brokenness and hurt.  For a while that hurt is claiming you for itself, but when God is ready, he's going to snatch you away to make you whole and perfect in heaven.  That doesn't mean I'm not sad, but just know that you will be loved and cared for no matter where you are.  Your mama got her Master's certificate in the mail this week.  That was an anticlimactic event...just much less important that other things going on.  Living in today being number one.  Are you liking James' favorite song of late, "Take me out to the ballgame"?  Or are you ready to join me in hiding that book so we never have to sing it again?  I think he's discovering that Mama is changing sizes because he likes to lift up my shirt and pat my belly.  So I take that to mean he is saying hello.  We got to listen to your heartbeat yesterday fella, Graham you sound perfect.

Love you hugely,
Mama, Fadda & Brudda

24 weeks - 2/3/2015

Hello son, 

You're getting big in there little buddy almost a foot long!  And I can definitely tell because my belly is the size of a soccer ball.  You have found your favorite spot to be...as low as possible, I swear sometime I think you're going to pop out.  Please don't do that yet tho buddy.  Your McCurry cousin is still a no show, a week late, and you're welcome to follow her lead.  You have been becoming much more active this week.  Your thumping around inside makes me want to lay on the couch all day and feel your movements.  This week has been full of ups and downs.  Some people have wondered if we are hoping for a miracle, and even though it is what I want, it isn't what I hope.  I hope that we'll see you again in heaven, and that is what makes me wake up to this horrible future of wondering when you are finished here.  Do you know how strange it is to grieve for something that hasn't even happened?  I guess you won't have to experience that baby because there isn't any sadness where you are going.  In the meantime, I've been reminded how much care, love and support we have in our friends and family.  Truly Graham, they are propping us up.  This community that stretches across blood, state lines, and towns is really incredible.  And so little fella, keep kicking away, I love each one, but you the most.  This week I picked up a little premie outfit for you (incase you come early or are a little fella like your brother) as well as a newborn outfit.  They are going to feel so soft on your skin.  I think I'm going to make a little cap for you as well, but we'll see.

Thanks for staying put another week,
Mama & Daddy

Little Clark II: 22 weeks

1/20/2015

Hello Graham!

Happy 22 weeks old!  This past week was ok.  Actually your Dad took us all to Astoria for two nights just to get away as a family.  It was wonderful.  We could see and hear the sea lion barking from our room; they sound much like your brother...huh? huh? huh?  We went to Joann Fabrics, walked around town, ate chocolatey pastries, drank hot cocoa, looked through the used bookstore and waited out a storm in our room.  This week you've started working a bit more on those toothbuds and finished getting your eyes all perfect.  We had a little scare this week...I started getting all crampy and you decided to stop moving for several hours.  We went into the hospital to get checked out, but your heartbeat was strong as ever!!  The cramping stopped and we were able to go home.  That was Monday, just a day before you turned 22 weeks.  Needless to say, it make Tuesday so sweet.  Sitting in the hospital bed with your Dad sitting next to me made me realize just how precious the time is that we do have together.  I even gathered the courage to post these letters, and even make a phone call.  We also celebrated your cousin Eliana's first birthday this weekend.  So it has been a full week for us and you.  We may plan another little outing in the coming weeks...maybe the zoo?

Loves and prayers continually,
Mama & Fadda

Little Clark II: Weeks 20 & 21

20 weeks - 1/7/2015

My dear son,

I took a photo of your growing home on Tuesday night…the evening we found out you are a boy!  A boy!!  Words cannot express how excited we were/are to find out that you would be a brother, and imagined all the fun/trouble you and James would be getting into together.  We texted all the family, who were also thrilled at the news.  It is remarkable to think that one of the brightest days of our lives could be followed by one of the darkest.  Well baby, we love you so much.  I can feel you moving even with my hands on the outside, especially at night.  But little one, we got a phone call Wednesday saying that we needed to come in because they had some very serious concerning news.  Needless to say I didn’t want to…and cried the entire rest of the day until our appointment.  The doctor that the condition they found is fatal and that you won’t survive long past birth, if that far.  At that I slid off the exam table onto your Dads lap and we wept together, as did the kind doctor who probably hated her job at that moment.  Oh my dear son, we were so looking forward to snuggling you, hearing your laugh, seeing your little face scrunch up when you are hungry, everything.  All that is taken away.  She gave us two options: end my pregnancy now or keep going and have a few weeks to a few months left.  My boy I can’t imagine making that heart of yours stop.  We will let you go when you are done on this earth.  Until then we are most assuredly trying to enjoy your presence with us now.  Sweet baby, your mama and daddy don’t know what to do from here except weep at what is to come.  But we love you, and as always pray for you daily.

Kisses,

Mama & Daddy

21 weeks - 1/14/2014

My dear Graham,

We have gone a week with the bad news.  I’ll admit that there have been many tears on my end of things.  But I absolutely cherish every kick and flutter you make inside.  You’re 21 weeks old as of Tuesday.  I didn't know if I should keep writing or even posting, but I figured it would be more honoring to you if I did.  We had chosen the name Graham Wheeler Clark.  Partly an old Clark family name and partly because we love my brother's initials...GW.  I hope that you like it as much as we do because now you're stuck with it. :)  We know that you’re above weight at 12 oz last week, and surely adding more weight daily.  You usually like to wake up around 9:30 each night and kick around for quite a while.  Last night however, you changed that routine, and I was worried sick.  I felt a few flutters, but nothing like your usual.  This morning you were kicking up a storm, and those fears were laid to rest.  I’m so glad you are still feeling up for another week.  I love you son.  I think that so many do around here.  I think of all the people praying for you and our family, and it astounds me.  It would be a lie to say that I’m doing well…my sad times greatly outnumber the joyous.  I’m trying.  But your brother has taken to pretend to wipe his nose, and then he comes and wipes mine.  Apparently he’s seen me wiping my nose enough to mimic.  Its pretty sweet.  Thanks for your many kicks this week.  I just felt another one right now.  Hoping that my tears don’t upset you.

Take care tonight little one,

Mama

Little Clark II: 19 weeks

Hello baby,

Merry Christmas!  We've been thinking about your arrival, and who you are going to become.

Little Clark II: 18 weeks

Dec. 22, 2014

Hello little one,

I've been feeling you a great deal this past week.  You little mover and shaker!  You are supposed to be just over five inches long, and flexing all of your joints.  Your ears are fully developed, and I hope you can hear me reading with James.  Do you like hearing "Adventures on Klickitat Island" as much as your brother?  I started getting those progesterone shots this week.  It wasn't as horrible as I was anticipating, which was wonderful!  That being said, your Dad and Grandma were too nervous to give them to me, so I had to find someone a touch braver.  ;)  You've kicked my hunger into high gear.  I still haven't yet fulfilled those yummy dreams of cheesy smart food popcorn, but I am hoping today during Christmas Eve I will get some.  Love you baby!

Mama & Dad

Little Clark II: 17 Weeks

Hello Baby,

Well this week was a fun one.  Fascinating dreams about pinto beans and headlice aside, your Dad and I have decided on a name!  Both guy & girl options are covered, we are going to keep quiet about them until you are born just in case we see you and decide that you look more like a/an _____.

Little Clark II: 16 weeks

12.8.14

Hello little one,

You are sixteen weeks strong;  4 months old in there.  You are moving, and I can just feel the whispers of your movements if I am very, very still.